Ah….Back in High School

Ah….Back in High School

A couple of days ago, I made a vast tactical error.  I was at Starbucks to meet a friend and while I waited I noticed that they had egg salad sandwiches.  I didn’t stop to think, “if I was at a truck stop, I wouldn’t eat this…but in China?  Why not???”, and chowed down.  I just spent the last 24 hours in misery.  It was even worse because my friends would call up and ask me what I was doing, I’d let them know that I had to stay near my own fascilities, and when they heard why, all they did was laugh.  Most said, “why don’t you just flush your system with street food!”  Jerks…all of them.

So, I’m all moved into my place now.

I’m amazed at how often ignorance is bliss.  There’s an Aussie pub not too far from my place, it’s a great place to meet expats and the food is absolutely incredible.  I was hanging out there, meeting some of the local expat businessmen and started talking to one guy from the UK.  He’s head over one of the big cell phone company’s network, and makes an easy 6 figure salary (in British pounds), which translates to well over 7 figures in China.  He lives near Coco park, and like me, he’s very sold on China.  Unlike me, he doesn’t seem to wonder about the motivations of his “friends”, preferring to believe that they are in fact friends.  He’s in his mid to late 50’s, a big guy, and he has a group of friends comprising of 7-9 women from the ages of 24 to 29.  Instead of asking why they are hanging out with him, he just talks about how he doesn’t know how to date one of them without breaking up the group dynamic.  I finally couldn’t take any more and asked him if he was looking for advice.  He said that he was, so I started asking him questions:

“Why do you like this big group dynamic that you have going on?”

               “It gives me someone to hang out with at any given time, and I’m always seen going out with very, very attractive women who are also fun to talk to and good conversationalists.”

“What is the consequence of dating one of them?”

               “Losing the friendship of all of the rest of them.”

“What is the consequence of being rejected by the girl you want to date?”

               “Losing her friendship.”

“What do you fear the most?”

               “Not having people to hang out with.”

“What you don’t realize, based on everything you’ve said before this, is that every single woman in your group is trying to date you.  These women all come from poor families, they have zero hope of finding a rich Chinese guy.  A rich foreigner is a good replacement.  Chinese women value someone who can provide for them and help care for their family and them.  If you started dating one of these girls and the other’s scattered, wouldn’t you still have the girl you’re dating to go out and do things with?”

               “Oops, I didn’t think of that!”

The problem is, that he still doesn’t understand the motivation of the group that he’s hanging out with.  I told him, indirectly, but he didn’t catch on, and rather than stating it outright, I’d rather he just live in his fantasy world.  I think if he wanted to hear “A rich foreigner is a good replacement”, then he would have heard me.  He glossed over that completely.  If you pick up women in a bar, anywhere in the world, they are generally interested in your bank account, I can’t believe that people think that China is different, I think he’s just in denial. 

He also asked me how to ask one of the girls in China out, what the best way to do so is, because he’s recently divorced, and hasn’t dated in 24 years.  I told him that the situations he’s described shows that the women are jockeying for position in his sites, and that he’s 90% there, all he needs to do is make a decision, and when he’s ready:

“Grace, I like you.  I appreciate these characteristics: <whatever>, we would make a good couple.  You should be my girlfriend.”

Women here don’t like the “wishy-washy”, make a decision, then wait for a response, whatever you do, don’t ask a question, because they hear, “I’m lonely, you seem good enough, wanna date?”, which isn’t really awe inspiring.  State your thoughts as statements, make a decision, then shut up and don’t say anything until she wraps her arms around you, or freaks out.  If she freaks out, your way out is:

“I’m very sorry, I misread the situation.  Our cultures are so different that I must have picked up on the wrong signals.  Can we please put this behind us so that I don’t lose face in front of the others?”

Then it’s over and it never happened, and nobody will ever mention anything.  What amazes me is that this guy has been here for 12 months.  He asked me how long I’ve been here and I told him, 2 months.  He asked me how I had figured all of this cultural stuff out, and I told him that I ask questions of everyone constantly.  In all of his time of hanging out with a giant group of Chinese girls, he’s never learned about their past, their culture, or their way of doing things.  I find it a bit sad, but perhaps that’s the difference between an engineer and someone in sales, we focus on different things.

China, is in many ways, a lot like high school.  The drama is insane, and impossible to avoid, fortunately, as a westerner I’m able to be even more overtly ignorant of it, than I could pull off at home.  It is straight insanity though.  Even those I barely know will call me if they can’t get hold of their western friends so that I can attempt to call them and then “pass them a note”.  To understand this, you need to understand this:

·        In grade school (k-12) you study, you do not date.  If you date at any time, you will be ejected from school.

·        In trade school/college (college here is trade school but they train for all positions from cleaning garbage up to cosmetology) if you date you will be ejected, then, good luck doing anything higher than security guard or sweeping garbage!  You study, until you graduate.

·        In University, you study (if you’re lucky enough to get in), if you get caught dating, you will be ejected.

So, most actually start dating at 21, that’s if they are college students… university students start dating at 24-26.  A Chinese person is expected to immediately get married and start having children. 

The way that Chinese society works is that the parents raise the children, then the children provide for the parents in their old age.  If someone doesn’t immediately get married and get a good job or a good provider, the parents are in danger of being on their own in their old age, and unable to care for themselves.  Nobody else is responsible for them except for their children.  You can see why, then, that they are constantly on their children about getting married.  Many marry the first who expresses interest in them, and it works out about half the time.  I’ve found that many of those that I meet here are either divorced from an abusive marriage, or jaded from an abusive previous relationship.  Men and women here are new at dating, and men tend to be a bit more selfish due to how they were raised (this is very, very generalistic – not written in stone!!).  Boys are doted on, women are told that they are useless, and that boys are better.  This colours dating as well.

So, the problem with dating Chinese women that most westerners don’t pick up on, is that they are usually the second or third boyfriend in that girl’s life.  It’s easiest to explain to someone that you’re back in high school.  All the crazy drama from high school is what you’re dealing with now.  This guy that I was talking to who hasn’t dated in 24 years didn’t realize that he’s on equal footing with the women he’s hanging out with.  They have zero experience as well.  This means that you have to be careful.  Do you remember in high school when you fell in love for the first time?  That’s what you’re dealing with.  It explains part of the insanity.

Personally…. I’m going to take my time.  I told him to do what he wants, but to keep in mind that they are just as new at this as he is. 

The day after talking to this guy, I was talking to a mutual friend, an Aussie.  I asked him where the Brit had met all of these women, he said:

“Coco Park.  I wish he could realize that they see him for his very, very large wallet!”

It’s nice to see that there are others who are as frustrated with this blissful western ignorance as I am.